Can One Person Really Fight for Their Marriage? (Part I)

Have you found yourself in a situation where you feel alone when it comes to your relationship? Unfortunately, due to several reasons, many marriages experience difficult seasons where hopelessness and disappointment sneak into the everyday life causing a spouse to feel checked out, resigned to the current situation, or in more extreme cases, leave the home. 

If you are a spouse who has experienced a similar situation, you need to know that you are not alone. God is with you to lift you up and give you strength. He is very interested in your relationship and the way that you approach this season, even without your spouse. There is hope!

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you." (Isaiah 43:2, AMPC)

Not only does God want to give you His active strength, but He also wants to provide a battle plan to fight for your marriage. Would you seek His wisdom?

This is part one of two articles dedicated to helping you fight for your marriage, even if you are the only one actively doing so at this moment. 

Preliminary Steps - A Look Inside

FIRST, let’s start with taking a look at your beliefs. Since you are the one fighting, you should start with an honest personal evaluation of what you believe about yourself and this situation. If you are going to train for a fight, you would not start with trying to train or change your opponent, you would start with making sure you are well equipped to engage in the battle. To be clear, this battle does NOT involve your spouse. It does not mean you're going to fight them, but what it does mean is that you are going to fight for your relationship.

We invite you to take a moment to prayerfully ask yourself this question and perhaps write down the answer:  

·           "What do I believe about myself and my situation?"

Consider Psalm 139:23-24: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

SECOND, take a good and honest look at your conscience, the place where your emotions are housed.  

We know that confession changes things, it brings about healing, and healing from God’s perspective involves reconciliation. God’s methods are redeeming, and His business is relationships with a covenant-keeping motivated heart. He wants us to look at a few patterns and habits that may be creating an atmosphere of hopelessness, and spiritual and emotional weaknesses.

As you examine these, it is important that you allow yourself to express godly sorrow for any sins, hatred, and a firm resolution not to sin again. The intent is to get healthy before God so that we can improve our ability to engage in the battles of life physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

Consider 2 Corinthians 7:10: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

We invite you to take a moment to prayerfully ask yourself this question and perhaps write down the answer:  

·         "What type of emotions am I experiencing about my situation and towards my spouse?"

·         "Am I prepared to release any negative emotion to God and ask Him to replace it with His truth?"

Active "Repentance"

1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

THIRD, let us take a look at the direction that would require us to turn to God in genuine repentance (2 Chronicles 7:14). Understanding the full meaning of the word "Repentance" is critical, because is far more than just feeling sorry.  The Greek translation of this word Repentance - “Metanoeo, means to change one’s mind and purpose, as the result of after knowledge. This verb, with the cognate noun metanoia, is used of true repentance, a change of mind and purpose and life, to which remission of sin is promised.” - Easton’s Bible Dictionary

In other words, it literally means that we change the way we think and act. It requires action. 

What type of changes are we talking about? Consider the following and how they might apply to you:

• The pursuit of sanctity and God as a major goal in life as you stand firm in your faith in His promises and eternity. 

• Refrain from placing trust and faith in false teachings, specifically about marriage. 

• Aim to ensure that no unwholesome words come out of your mouth and seek to keep your speech pure with words that encourage and build up those around you.

• A genuine and concerted effort to become a better listener, seeking to help and give instead of trying to receive. 

• Honor others, especially your spouse with your actions and words pursuing peace.

• Approach God regularly to spend time with Him (without an agenda) to experience His love and affection.

• Honor and maintain verbal and signed agreements.

• Regularly examining your heart confirming that bitterness or unforgiveness is not stored for use later in conversation or conflict. 

• Sexual purity is a priority and only in the context of marriage. Resisting the urge to seek sexual gratification and refraining from deliberately looking at impure TV, pictures, or reading text.

We all must deal with terrible falls of grace and one of the places we can look to is the book of Psalm to gain perspective. We need to be prepared, ready to evaluate, and to execute on God's wisdom. Psalm 51 is one specific place we can examine. It brings a fantastic view into spiritual recovery from a place of pride and selfishness towards our relationship with God.

David defines his sin as indicated by inequity references in the Psalm. Let's examine David's response: 

• He appeals to God’s mercy.

• He voids a defensive posture.

• He looks to the need for cleanliness.

• He asked God to break him, heal him, and to comfort him. 

• He admits his flaws and he need of God's help to move him with a renewed and humble heart.

• He makes a commitment to share God's goodness and to influence others for good.

• We invite you to take a moment to prayerfully ask yourself this question and perhaps write down the answer:  

• "Is there anything that I need to bring before God in confession (big or small) and repent for?"

In Conclusion

The beginning of your battle plan to fight for your marriage starts with you - indeed, a look inside. God's blessing and favor is for those who seek a humble heart and contrite spirit (Psalm 51:17; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:6).  With God, all things are possible, you can stand in the gap for your spouse, for your marriage and your family. Stay tuned for the second part of this article discussing practical ways to do this. 

We encourage you to prayerfully seek God in the season asking Him for active strength. There is hope!

Dane

Scribe, Marriage Health Check

Co-Founder, preservedinternational.org

Biblical Care Advocate and Counselor

Equipping marriages in God’s active strength, powerandlovemarriage.com